The Tourist Hustling University of Marrakesh Proper (THUMP): You, Too Can Join The Legion of Touts
Satire by Carl Henn
PROSPECTUS: The Tourist Hustling University of Marrakesh Proper (THUMP) was founded thousands of years ago by the merchants of Djema el Fnaa to ensure that a steady supply of tourists visit their shops and buy things, whether they want to or not.
No experience is required. We will train you in all aspects of tourist hustling, beginning with the basics. For those who display particular promise, you can go all the way to advance tourist hustling. At THUMP, you will learn to leave tourists wondering what hit them!
Are you an unemployed, ambitious, young man, from a poor family? Do they pressure you to go out and make money, and to help put food on the table? Are you frustrated because there are no good-paying, decent jobs to be found? Are you tired of hanging around the neighborhood with all the other guys?
There is no other way to make such an easy living as tourist hustling. This may be the job for you!
Some of the Courses Offered to Touts in Training
- How to Identify Tourists: It is easy to identify tourists! Learn their habits. What hotels do they prefer? What time of day do they go to Djema el Fnaa? Do they travel in buses, taxis, or come on foot? How do they dress? Are they wearing cameras and sunglasses? How do they usually act?
- How to Approach Tourists: Get over your natural shyness toward strangers. Learn to walk right up to people and start talking. How to start by welcoming them to Marrakesh. Ask where they are from. Make sure to mention Djema el Fnaa right away. Learn what questions should you ask them.
- Learn How Not to Take No for an Answer: What to do if they say no thanks – and they ALL say no thanks. Why you should not accept no for an answer. Learn the psychology of tourism – they have money to spend; they are here to spend it! Learn the proper attitude: why shouldn’t I get some?
- How to Figure Out How Much Money They Have: Learn to calculate how much they are worth, by the hotel they stay in, the clothes they wear, the kind of jewelry and watch they have, and any other designer goods you can see. Learn their spending patterns: will they buy high ticket items like rugs?
- Learn to Speak Their Language: Learn to speak a variety of languages that most tourists speak, and how to be persistent and annoying in all of them. Develop the ability to figure out what language tourists speak in just a few moments, sometimes even before they even open their mouths.
- Find Out What They Want To Buy -Watch Their Eyes!: Learn their secret shopping desires. Watch their eyes: what do they like to look at? How long do they spend in front of various shops? Do they pretend to look away if they think you are watching? These are the tricky ones – be very careful!
- Every Merchant is Your Cousin or Your Uncle: More tourist psychology: First, you must understand: Tourists do not like to think that you just want to make money off them. Learn to act. Pretend that every merchant is either your uncle or your cousin. Explain that the merchant is a very good man.
- Helping Them Negotiate a Good Price: Pricing strategies: Tourist psychology dictates that they must pretend not to have much money, despite their expensive clothes, watches, and jewelry. Learn to play the game. Assure them in a very sincere voice that you will get them a very good, best price.
- Ensuring a Good Commission on Sales: It is best to start with a really high offer. Allow the shock to sink in. Wait for them to mutter amongst themselves about how expensive it is. Allow them time to come up with a strategy to barter the price down: the “walk-away” or the “not-really-interested. ”
- Collecting Your Fee at the End of the Day: Only amateurs try to collect their commission right away. Be a professional: Come back later in the day to collect your commission, after all the tourists have left for the day. Learn what times of day are prime shopping times, and then plan your schedule.
What Do I have to Do to Be a Successful Tout?
Many young men mistakenly think that it takes years of study and on-site training to become a tourist hustler in Marrakesh. Not so. No experience is needed, and there are new job openings every day. With just a few short courses, you too can hustle the tourists!
- Are You an Unemployed but Ambitious Young Man?: Good-paying jobs are scarce in Marrakesh? If you are unemployed through no fault of your own, but you are ambitious, THUMP is for YOU!
- Are You Persistent No Matter What Anyone Says?: Poverty is for quitters. If you have the ability to persist in the face of resistance, then you should be able to earn good money starting very soon!
- Can You Smell Money?: Do you smell that? It’s money! And they have so much, it’s practically falling out of their pockets. They are here to spend money. If you can sniff it out, you can easily get some.
- Do You Know a Sucker When You See One?: Have you ever heard that there is a sucker born every minute? And guess what: they all visit Djema el Fnaa sooner or later, just waiting to be fleeced!
- Do You Like to Show Off in Front of Your Friends: Why be a loser, standing on the street corner, broke and bored? You can earn cash, buy cigarettes, and impress your friends as a tourist hustler.
How Much Can I Make as a Tout in Marrakesh?
- Tell Them There is No Set Fee: Tourists are always suspicious at first. They will ask you how much it costs to have a guide. Assure them that they can pay you whatever they want. There is no set fee.
- Jack the Opening Price WAY Up: Remember to jack the opening price on everything WAY up.
- Ply Them With Mint Tea: Tourists love to have the authentic Moroccan experience! Be sure to ply them with mint tea, served the traditional way, piping hot, in small glasses. Show how to pour it.
- Bargain Down to a Deal: As above, start high. Let them bargain down. It makes them feel good.
- Never Let The Walk Away Empty-Handed: The stubborn ones will try to walk away. You need to learn a variety of strategies. Apologize and invite them back. Guide them gently by the arm. Say that your uncle has not sold anything yet today; he is willing to give them a special price – a best price!
- Returning Later to Collect Your Commission: Refer to the lesson above; Collect commissions later!
- Remembering Who Paid What: First rule: You must learn to remember how much tourists paid. Second rule: you must learn the real local price for everything. Rule three: Negotiate commission.
- General Tips on Conniving with Merchants: Everyone has to earn a living. Merchants are stuck in their shops, waiting. Your job is to bring them tourists and to convince the tourists to buy stuff.
- Earning Lots of Cold, Hard Cash -in Multiple Currencies: The first rule of investing is to diversify. Don’t earn all your income in just one currency. The value of each currency fluctuates daily.
- Investing in Bitcoin – Yes or No?: This is only for advanced tourist hustlers with a laptop or iPad, and a good, reliable Internet connection. Is Bitcoin the wave of the future? How much risk is involved?
Funded by the Marrakesh Association of Rug Dealers, Lamp Sellers, and Vendors of Other Exotic Items
*THUMP is not a real place. It does not exist. This is a fiction invented by author Carl Henn, who lived in Marrakesh for two years, while in the Peace Corps,
Carl is originally from Indiana but escaped to Africa in 1981. He currently resides in the DC area. He had a 40-year career in global health, living and working in or on Africa, before moving home and breaking his wrist in a bike accident, then turning to travel writing during the pandemic to pass the time. He got his start in Morocco with Peace Corps and worked in over half of the 54 nations in Africa.